#differentnotless 

Temple Grandin's quote, "I am different, not less" has probably been used by many practitioners who work with children diagnosed with autism. I recently understood the value of this quotation when I got into a conversation with my brother from another mother. 

He asked me, "Appi (older sister) you always say that rather than focusing on similarities we should focus on differences. However, today you are saying that we should not just focus on one community but one human race." "One human race is not differences. One race is a result of similarities." I was baffled and questioned myself. It was an interesting insight as it led me to further analysis. I wanted to explain him what I meant. However, my words at that moment were not enough to make sense. I was frustrated trying to help him understand.

 Sometimes, it is hard to articulate something when your brain cannot even comprehend and cut it down for you. 

Suddenly, scrolling through Facebook. I came across Temple Grandin's quote, "I am different, not less."these words just hit me hard. I had a grand display of lightning and thunderstorm inside my brain. I asked myself why we have restricted these words just to autism. These words are applicable to all of us. Aren't we all different, aren't we all unique. Who decides that we are less than the other.

Our religion, social status, bank balances, pay checks, education and diplomas make us feel worthy and awesome. A great way to compare to the rest of the world.

Anyways, moral of my story is that I am different but not less than you. Similarly, you are different but not in anyway less than me.

Sent from my iPhone

Religious Guilt

"God will not be very happy if you do not share." This is the line I used to get a piece of chocolate from my 10 year old cousin. I have realized how much this line works. Line like this and similar to these have been used on me for years. 

For example, "God is not happy with you." "God will not be happy with you."  "You did not do this the way you were suppose to, God probably is upset with you." Guilty me! 

"I told you to pray more."  What is more? No one has ever defined or explained more to me. My mom has been trained to blame herself, when she does not get answers from God the way she was expecting. She always feels guilty that she did not pray enough. I sometimes get so anxious when she ask me to pray for something with urgency. It makes me feel something bad is happening or is about to happen. 

Initially, I was ditto and still am at times. However, I am trying to separate my love for God from the religious guilt. I want to love God not just because of the things He provides me or the needs that He fulfills. But because He is God. I don't want to have a conditional relationship with an unconditional God. When I look back and think of the pain I have endured in life, why I always forget the undeserved grace and unmerited gifts I received from Him.

Religious guilt has been used on us to create fear. Fear is the way to manipulate and control. When you overcome your fears, you started living. Let us create love of God not fear of the Loving, Merciful and the most Magnificent God Almighty.

Identity 

It is hard to fully understand, where you stand in the world and to know the world’s perspective in comparison to yours. Sometimes, it gets difficult to explain your position to individuals around when you do not understand what you are trying to believe in. In the process, of teaching and re-teaching your own self it is hard to explain your loyalties to others. Sometimes, to believe in things are scary and to stand up for the emerging philosophies and ideologies are hard, as they are still sprouting. Loyalties and reliabilities are questioned.  

I have confused myself and my identity. Somehow my culture and surrounding have confused me. I was born in a Christian home in a Muslim country. Now, that I am here in US, a Christian, living in a diverse environment.  I am confused with an identity crisis. The people outside who call themselves Christians or Muslims are so unique to me.  I don’t know anyone. I am trying to be neutral. I am trying to be objective. I am trying to be a republican. I am trying to be a democrat. I am trying to be myself. 

http://www.dawnnews.tv/news/1050518

The following article in Urdu is written by my classmate Mohammad Imran Bukhari from Government College University, Lahore Pakistan.
Imran is curtently a professor at Quaid e Azam University, Islamabad Pakistan. He wrote this article about Salman Haider our senior from Government College University. Salman Haider was a professor and a human rights activist. I don't know Salman personally but wish him a safe return home. May God Almighty who is most merciful and beneficent protect him and be with him. Amen! #RecoverSalmanHaider #SalmanHaidermissing

کچھ باتیں سلمان حیدر کی:

یہ 2002 کے اوائل کی بات ہے جب میں مشہور مذہبی رہنما ڈاکٹر اسرار احمد کے ہاتھ بیعت ہوا اور اسلامی انقلاب کی جدوجہد کو اپنی سب سے اولین ذمہ داری سمجھنے اور ماننے لگا۔ ستمبر 2002 میں میرا گورنمنٹ کالج یونیورسٹی لاہور میں ایم ایس سی سائیکالوجی میں داخلہ ہو گیا۔ میرا تعلق جنوبی پنجاب کے شہر ملتان سے تھا۔ ایک پسماندہ علاقے سے آنے والے کسی بھی طالبِ علم کی طرح میں بھی شروع شروع میں اپنے اندر کئی طرح کے خوف اور کمپلیکس لیے ہوا تھا۔ 

میری سلمان سے پہلی ملاقات (جو بعد میں ایک گہرے تعلق میں بدل گئی) گورنمنٹ کالج یونیوسٹی میں ہی ہوئی۔ سلمان سائیکالوجی ڈیپارٹمنٹ میں میرا سینئر تھا۔ بلا کا ذہین تھا اور ڈیپاٹمنٹ کے قابل اور ہونہار طالبعلموں میں شمار ہوتا تھا۔ نصابی سرگرمیوں میں امتیازی مقام رکھنے کے ساتھ ساتھ وہ یونیورسٹی کے ڈرامیٹکس کلب اور ڈیبیٹنگ کلب کا بھی سرگرم رکن تھا۔ اپنی اِن ہم نصابی و غیر نصابی سرگرمیوں کی وجہ سے وہ پوری یونیوسٹی میں کافی مقبول و مشہور تھا۔ وہ کئی قومی سطح کے تقریری مقابلوں میں گورنمنٹ کالج یونیورسٹی کے لیے بہت سے اعزازات بھی جیت کر لایا۔ اپنی سماجی و نجی زندگی میں بہت ملنسار، کھُلا ڈھُلا، بےباک اور انسان دوست تھا۔

ایک پسماندہ علاقے سے آئے ہؤےطالبعلم کی حیثیت سے جو اجتناب اور خوف مجھے لاحق تھے، انہیں دور کرنے اور اُس نئے ماحول کے ساتھ سوشلائز کرنے میں سب سے کلیدی کردار سلمان نے ادا کیا۔ سلمان ایک لبرل سوچ کا حامی تھا لیکن میرے مذہبی رجحان کو کبھی بھی اُس نے اپنے اور میرے درمیان تعصب یا رکاوٹ نہیں بننے دیا۔ وہ بِلا خوف و خطر اُسی وارفتگی سے مجھ سے میل جول رکھتا تھا جیسے اپنے دوسرے دوستوں کے ساتھ رکھتا تھا۔ میرے مذہبی رجحان کو دیکھ کر وہ اکثر مزاح میں کہا کرتا تھا کہ عمران کی تو روح پر بھی ڈاڑھی ہے۔

گورنمنٹ کالج یونیوسٹی سے ایم ایس سی  کرنے کے بعد سلمان نے ہائر ایجوکیشن کمیشن کا سکالرشپ کوالیفائی کیا اور پی ایچ ڈی کرنے قائدِاعظم یونیورسٹی اسلام آباد چلا گیا۔ جب میں نے اپنی ایم ایس سی مکمل کی تو یہ سلمان ہی تھا جس کی تحریک پر میں نے بھی ہائرایجوکیشن کمیشن کا سکالرشپ کوالیفائی کیا اور سلمان کے نقشِ قدم پے چلتے ہؤے قائدِاعظم یونیورسٹی اسلام آباد پی ایچ ڈی کرنے پہنچ گیا۔ سلمان نے وہاں ہوسٹل میں اپنے ہی ساتھ مجھے اپنے کمرے میں ایڈجسٹ کروایا۔

جیسا کہ میں آغاز میں ہی بتا چکا کہ میں 2002 میں ڈاکٹر اسرار احمد کے ہاتھ پر بیعت ہو گیا تھا اور آج بھی خود کو اُنہی کی فکر پر عمل پیرا پاتا ہوں، اتنے عرصے میں میرے مذہبی افکار اور رجحانات میں وسعت تو ضرور پیدا ہوئی ہے لیکن کمی نہیں ہوئی۔ 

آج کل سوشل میڈیا پر کچھ لوگ جب اپنے مظموم مقاصد کی خاطر سلمان کی کردار کشی کر رہے ہیں تو میں نے یہ ضروری جانا کہ سلمان کا اصل رُخ لوگوں کے سامنے لایا جائے۔ سلمان میں مذہب بیزاری یا مذہب دشمنی مجھے تو اپنی 14 سال کی رفاقت میں کبھی نظر نہیں آئی۔ ہاں وہ بیزار تھا جہالت سے، وہ بےزار تھا فکر اور سوچ کی گھُٹن سے، وہ بےزار تھا سیاسی، سماجی اور معاشی جبر سے (چاہے یہ جہالت، گھُٹن اور جبر روا رکھنے والی قوت کوئی بھی ہو)۔

وہ عقل اور دلیل کا بندا ہے، اسے جبر اور جہالت کے پیمانوں پر نا پرکھا جائے۔ ایسی خداداد صلاحیتوں کے حامل افراد معاشروں کا اثاثہ ہوا کرتے ہیں۔ میں نے اپنی اِس 14 سالہ رفاقت میں سلمان کو بنیادی انسانی قدروں میں بہت سے مذہبی ٹھیکہ داروں سے ہزار ہا درجے بلند پایا ہے۔۔۔

Do we say No or stop? 
Can we accept No and Stop as an answer? 

I don't want to play with him.

I don't want to play that game. 

This is not what I want to do. 

I feel forced to do it. 

Have you ever thought why we feel forced to do something or why we feel that someone controls us? The answer is we have not been taught to say "stop" or "no" or likewise taught to accept "stop" and "no" as an answer.

This reality of life struck me hard after I watched the movie "Pink". It phenomenally portrayed the roles that have been reinforced in our daily lives. The movie was not just about women empowerment but it also involved an idea of expressing to say NO. 

NO is not a word as it is mentioned in the movie, it is a full expression of a feeling and an emotion. Even though the movie talks about the categorization and the equivalences we associate with human categorization. For example, the idea that a girl who drinks, smiles and hangs out with various guys is usually a girl with questionable character. Is it true for all girls? Even if a girl has questionable character for one second does she have freedom to refuse to any advances towards her. Well, as a matter of fact an individual boy or girl should practice their freedom of expression in what they believe in and if that expression be is to say NO or STOP then that be it. In similar way, the individual at the receiving end should also be willing to accept NO as an answer.

I felt this should have been taught to us at an early age. Recently at work,  one of the preschoolers came to his teacher saying I don't want to play with a student who was forcing him to play. The teacher explained him that being polite is great. However, standing up for yourself and expressing how you feel is a good practice too. Therefore, she modeled the behavior for the student and the student was able to say NO. This "NO" as an answer did not go well with the child at the other receiving end. He was not ready to accept that answer. The teacher had to teach him to accept no as an answer as well. I was intrigued at the idea of how no was being taught. 

The movie following with this incident helped me to understand the power of the words STOP and NO. It also helped to know how sometimes people must be feeling out of courtesy to not express themselves. Some cultures reinforce behavior of ignoring our feelings and emotions for the sake of courtesy.

Stop and No are important words. Let us train ourselves, to tolerable habits of accepting and saying no and stop. 

Ready to Educate? Qandeel a Real Feminist? What Wave of Feminism? 

Any Solution to Killing for Honor? Is Mental Health still a Taboo? 

#qandeelbaloch #mentalhealth #humanrights #honorkilling #feminism

How will we feel if Facebook ban the like button ? Will we be able to survive if there is no display picture on social media? Is empowerment based on reassurance that we get from the number of likes ? Are social approvals important for us? Are we confident even if we are the only ones who believe in a cause? What if the whole world leaves us and we are alone, will we still be strong and moving in the direction we want to?

Qandeel Baloch's story has raised these questions for me. I am wondering if people are still focusing on issues such as killing for honor (honor killing) and the need to be aware of psychological concerns or did we get derail? Are we stuck on discussions whether Qandeel was a feminist or not? What has been identified so far as a problem? Did we plan a solution? Are we getting ready to educate the masses ? Are still debating to conclude who is right? What have we done to educate the masses about intolerance? What has been done on giving positive attention to women who are seeking attention by stripping? Are they stripping because that is their choice or because that is an easy option to gain attention to actually getting to the platform to express? I have observed provocative ways gets you attention more quicker both negatively and positively.

Anyways, I want to understand whether Qandeel's provocative behavior was similar to a child seeking attention who does not get his way due to the lack of communication. Therefore, throwing a tantrum before his/ her parents assist the child to get his demands met.

Consequences selects out our behaviors. When people get more attention for any behavior (culturally appropriate or not appropriate) . It increases the frequency of the target behavior. Let us think, if we believe in a cause that no one supports, will we still stick to it in the long run. Do we try to use short cuts or behaviors that we personally don't agree with to reach to our goals? Are we choosing those options as a way to seek and increase attention.

Following are some ways individuals use to get attention

children tantrum
Screaming for help
Commoditize yourself
Self victimization
Bribe and corruption to get what you want ( attention on your concern😜)
Many more...