An Amazing Story About Anxiety

Rachel was an anxious person. When something worried her, it took much of her energy and she felt crippled. Any situation can trigger fears of unrealistic thoughts and those thoughts can led anyone to peseverate especially someone who is naturally anxious. 

Rachel was once in love and the person she loved was apparently never invested in her as much as she was. My conclusion to Rachel's story was that it should have ended there and then. However, Rachel was blind in love. She never knew the real true story. Love does not come with percentages that you love me this percent and I will love you back this percent. Percentage is not love. It is a business. It is a need. It is a bargain. She was naive and never knew what she got herself into till the day came when she found that the person she was in love with was continuously cheating on her. He use to ask for forgiveness and get involved in another person. She found out about him through apparent evidences. She felt sad and hurt. She started developing anxiety due to this situation. They broke up. They separated. She lost the charm of believing in love. For her love was never a business deal or a bargain. It comprised of genuine feelings.

The guy she loved came back few years later. She never fell out of love because for her love was not a bargain or a business but the guy believed in certain bargaining business deals. When he figured the business deal or the behavioral economics of that relationship was not feasible he left again. By writing a note to the girl that the deal that he was trying did not happen and he has to leave and it is the end again. 

The girl in few days had a dream of the same guy cheating on her again which made her angry and upset. Her dreams had come true previously. Thinking about the dream and previous events made her angry. It hurt her and triggered her anxiety and fear.  She felt angry of why the guy ever cheated and why she deserved it. Why the guy came back and planned this business and bargain deal which if it won't work he will leave again. Why he feels it is convenient for him to come and go.... 

Even after all what happened he wanted her not to react. On her immediate reaction, he taunt and criticize her for being not mentally and physically stable. What a great source of comforting guy he was, who internalizes his depression and anxiety and used other ways to satisfy him.

Criticized Rachel for her mental stability which she was aware of. 

An amazing love story about anxiety!! 

If love is blind

Love is an expression to give, to receive and to endure.

They say love is blind but if it was blind enough why it hurt so much. 

If it was blind enough why I feel so much. Love is blind to be perfect. 

The imperfect expression of love is blind. 

I am blind in love. I see no color. 

I am blind in love. I see no shape 

I am blind in love. I feel no pain 

I am blind in love. I feel no hurt

If I see and feel it is no love. 

Needing and Using 

I just finished watching a drama, based on Qandeel Baloch's life. Today's episode or should I say the episode I got to watch today stressed me out. I was extremely annoyed and felt helpless. I'm not sure what exactly happened in real life. However, according to the story on television, her brother had borrowed some money from someone. He could not return the money, therefore the cops put him behind the bars. She goes over to request some more time from the cops to help release her brother. Somehow, she ends up letting the cops use her sexually and gets successful in helping her brother come out of jail. This scene was painful to watch. Because the woman or an individual who the media were depicting as a hero of feminism and human race seemed weak to me. She let individuals use her to meet her and her family needs. She definitely had a right to use her body the way she chooses to, but giving in to manipulation, is it really heroic?  I am not sure? What if after the Cops had used her they did not release her brother from the jail.

 I'm so frustrated right now thinking of how some people justify their manipulation. I'm trying to understand how individuals build their lives on needing people or having someone  need them to feel being reinforced. This whole idea of using, needing and not taking responsibility drives me crazy. 

Different

 Conversations with a psychologist is always interesting, especially one to another psychologist. 

Today, I was sharing with an American friend that how every American I come across is different from the other. I shared that I can predict behavior of people from my country.  However, I cannot analyze people of America as each seemed to be different from the other. She said something that resonated. She shared that because I came from a country which was religiously and culturally inclined. Everybody in my country was trained in certain pattern of mannerisms and traditions. Most of the traditions were black and white in nature. However, in United States of the America, people come from different countries. She shared that her family was a mix of Irish, German, Italian, and French. She also said by the time traditions are passed on there is no set rules that are followed. The diversity and freedom of speech make Americans different. It was a unique perspective. Definitely learning for me. 

Biasness

Identity automatically leads us to a biased thinking. Defensiveness is a product and a solution that helps us to justify our stance. We forget what actually is objective. The biasness is so subtle that we cannot recognize it even when we try to. A few days back, when the President of the United States of America, announced that Jerusalem should be part of Israel. I received several messages from my Muslims friends in different parts of the world about this announcement. Everyone seemed upset about this issue. I don't have any political preferences. However, I think I am a bit religiously inclined. Jerusalem is a special place for me as Jesus Christ was born there. As much as I respect the place of my Lord's birth. I do not want individuals fighting over it as well. I want it to be a place of sanctity and holiness. It is a special place for three major religions in the world.

Having said all that, my response to my friends was that the World is becoming a political place and people use religion as a way to oppress others and they should not take it personally. I added that majority always oppresses minority. I highlighted issues of religious persecution around the world.

Well, that did not go very well with my friends. Two of my friends quite frankly called  me biased and insensitive. I was offended and defensive about it. I tried my level best to explain my perspective. However, I ended up annoying them even more. Finally, one of my friends, he being very expressive about his ideology shared with me the issue as a result of his frustration due to being stuck in the traffic. The traffic was held as people protesting on the road against that  announcement. I without validating his concern according to him trashed it, by saying it is political and I'm not into politics. He felt that I was invalidating his concern and seemed insensitive towards the issue.

After this conversation with him I realized, How I should have at least validated his and other friends feelings of hurt and not condoned or compared it with other scenarios in the world. When I realized, my shortcomings, I apologized. Things became much more clear and crisp.  My friend stated this at the end of our conversation, "we both belong to different religions, so definitely, we got well-documented differences".

Sometimes understanding differences and our own identity helps us to be empathetic to others who are different.

City of Angels

City of Angels

Seth: You're a good doctor.
Maggie: How do you know?
Seth: I have a feeling.
Maggie: Yeah, well that's pretty flimsy evidence.
Seth: Close your eyes. Just for a second... what am I doing?
Maggie: You're... touching me.
Seth: How do you know?
Maggie: Because I feel it.
Seth: You should trust that. You don't trust it enough.

I believe in love, however everyone around me tells me there is nothing such as love that exists. May be, they are right. However, just because of, some not so right experiences, an individual should not give up on the idea of love. If I believe in love so strongly, I am sure there are people around me who believe in it as strongly as I do or even more.

The movie "City of Angel" was one of my favorite movies while growing up. I have watched it many times. However, for a few days I had a strong urge to watch it again. Today, after I came back from work. I started to watch the movie. It is amazing how an angel falls in love with a heart surgeon. He appreciates her and feel connected with her. However, the girl does not like the idea of him not being able to feel her touch. She gets frustrated. The angel gives his eternity up to feel and touch her. He becomes a human and starts to feel and touch. The girl dies in front of him. She apologizes to him for having him change into a human. However, he says that he had no regret as her one touch was enough for eternity.

Even at the end when another angel questions him if he would have still changed into a human if he had known that the girl was going to die. He answers by saying, "I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One."

"One" what a beautiful concept and idea of love. One moment spent right in love can give you something to look forward to and help you to give up eternity.

Love the song of the movie "Iris" by GooGoo Dolls https://youtu.be/JiXnswDyZAQ


And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Behind Every Woman

Behind every successful man there is a woman! 

Today, I drove my dad back from my uncle's 60th birthday party. It was me and my dad. A twenty-five minutes drive back to our place. As much as I love my dad it is rare that we both agree on anything. It is just phenomenal, how we cannot live without each other but have no patience for each other's views and perspectives. An inseparable bond. We spoke about my studies and work on our way back to home. He wanted to give me an advice of how I should listen to him because according to him, whenever I don't listen to him I get myself in trouble.

This conversation with him later on led me to a flashback, where I went down the memory lane. As a child, I used to ride my dad's shoulder when he and my mom went out for a walk. We use to walk to get ice cream some nights as a family and at other times walked to get sugarcane juice. We also walked to a neighborhood park with slides. 

Childhood memories are the best. My dad always gave me that confidence growing up, even though, he was so strict in his approach. Years went by, and I figured how he trained me to be independent decision maker. He at times probably did not agree with me and what I believed in. However, he gave me that power to share my views. I felt at times how uncomfortable my dad must be because of my decisions. However he managed to control himself to let me be. It must be so hard for him to be so strong headed dealing with an equally strong headed personality that he had no control over as years went by. It is easy to have someone ride you on your shoulder and walk with you to get ice cream. However, dealing with a demanding and opinionated personality it must be hard. I have to give my dad credit for being so supportive even when he was comfortably uncomfortable, It must be hard. 

Dad, thank you! You have changed the phrase now to, behind every progressing woman there is a man who is constantly challenging her and keeping his own opinions to himself. 

Thank God it's Friday

I have heard this famous phrase for years now. We get so excited as soon as Thursday ends and wait for Friday. 

Every Friday, we keep congratulating each other for the last working day and wish each other an awesome and amazing weekend.

We rush our lives to get to a Friday. 

Last year, it dawned on me that when we look forward to a Friday, we fast forward the other days of the week. It is sad that our work is probably not motivating or relaxing enough that we have to look forward to a two day break. Breaks are needed but living for breaks just defeats the purpose of living. Only if we learn to enjoy our work, we would not be looking forward to a break but will be enjoying each moment of our lives like a Friday.