Stalking or Browsing

I was discussing with one of my friends about how two of my colleagues were stalking or browsing a previous employee’s Facebook page. I shared that how one person was sitting and the other person was standing and I passed by after dropping something in the mail. One of the individuals looked at me as she saw a ghost. However, the other person did not react and stayed calm. 

Anyways, my friend’s perspective was interesting. He said that what if they were just talking to each other and the page was just open. It could be because that previous employee must have posted something in general or related to his previous job. He said that may be it was a coincidence that two colleagues were standing talking to each other  and the page was just posted there. I told him about the controversial post of the previous colleague a week and a half back. He said that may be that was it. 

He said that not always everything is stalking sometimes it is browsing too or sometimes it is both browsing and stalking at the same time. 

But my last concern whether social media should be open constantly during work hours. 

Reality Bites Everyone

Being labeled as  conceited, cocky, arrogant, jealous and insecure is weird, as you cannot group them together. It is interesting that perception about one person changes based on environment and their relationship with other individuals. 

Recently, I have observed that people around me perceive me as jealous and insecure, however they also seem to think that I am cocky and conceited simutaneously. In retrospection, based on individuals labeling I analyzed my childhood and teenage years when I was not only encouraged to be better than others but almost punished or criticized when compared to my peers if I was not good or not better than them in studies, talents and skill sets.  Now that the idea has taken such a strong hold in my brain of comparison I feel the need to compete. However, what sometimes frustrates me is my grouping with people who I don’t feel a fair comparison to. I don’t know why God puts me in that predicament where I feel compelled to compare myself with people who are so different from me and not a competition. 

Ultimately admitting, I do have some kind of arrogance which frustrates me when people state  that people they compare to me are in my tier. 

Arrogance comes with hard work and persistence. Compared to mediocre ready to be picked up individuals. It just don’t seem right. 

In conclusion, I read this quote today, “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere” that led me to question myself, should I compare myself to a good girl who goes to heaven or to a bad girl who goes anywhere with random anyone. Is that even a comparison?? 

Russell Peters

On August 18, 2018 I went to a show to see Russell Peters. It was one of the gifts for someone special for his upcoming birthday.

Russell always brings new idea and enlightens me. Have you ever observed that you are sometimes so use to your culture and segments of it, that it would not feel weird to you. Things you have done for years or said for years would seem normal. Even things that your parents say to you would seem  to be a fact. I never thought that I was not allowed to have my opinion till recently. I could never make a decision and feel secure about it because I always thought that I would make a mistake. Making a decision and failing does not make your ability to make a decision invalid. It actually makes you feel that you did it on your way. Listening in a humorous way from Russell made me think how I take things for granted. Even now and then my ability to make decision was taken for granted. The process of understanding seems a journey and I still feel I am in a process not at a destination yet.

Truth be told

Truth is relative. Facts are relative. Nothing seems honest when you are not in the state of mind. Nothing matters when you have been betrayed all your life. Life seems to be like a train which is stopping at every small station/ running local when the hardest moments are being experienced. They don’t understand me. I feel I am fluttering and banging against the walls of my own existence. Trying to understand my truth and the truth they want me to know. Every time I try to trust someone it fails. Failure makes you weak and vulnerable. It makes you scared to be out of the box of your existence and experience the excitement of the reality in an exclusively vulnerable way.

Isn’t life worth living when it is strange and uncertain?

Pool Friendships

Friendships are easy in the pool. 😊 I was swimming when a first grader came and introduced herself and admired my nail polish. After that conversation Rest was history, we became best of friends as she started introducing me to everyone as her friend. She spelled words and told me how spelling “ inside” was easier than “outside”. She told me in my ear that her sister is mean to her but she still likes her sometimes. When I was leaving she asked me to stay. I told her I have other engagements. She came out of the pool and asked me for a hug and said “friends forever”. I just smiled. WOW!! Some friendships are easy, clear, pure and honest! Made my day !! 😊😊😊

Finding Puddles and letting them be!!

Slowly as I tried to live a little more trying to find my existence, I kept finding these puddles and bumps on my way, I tried to be careful and stepped aside so I don’t get hurt or get dirt on me. However, the existence of the puddles itself promises you a muddy and bumpy ride. Did I learn something from it or will I be prone to making same mistakes that I did before? Life teaches you lessons, people who learn from their mistakes are considered smart but who end up making same mistakes are considered fool. Fool?? Really??? Fools make emotional mistakes of forgiveness and forgetfulness. Life teaches them lesson in their own way of existing in existence. Slowly and steadily they make the same mistakes of finding the puddles in their existing existence  and letting them be!

Life is life

When you are sure about life is that really living your life? The fun in life are the mysterious turns that come unexpectedly. Vulnerability makes you uncomfortable but living through the uncomfort and uneasiness is the drill. I was talking to a specialist in the field of psychology and he said that avoiding a problem and not facing it might be a temporary solution but not a cure. Avoidance is laziness and living life without fear and pain is cowardness. Pain is not a bad thing. It strengthens you. It makes you more aware of your weaknesses. Once you live through it, you realize how strong you are and what a long way you have come.

Life is life when you live it not avoid it. Feel it not forsake it. You think of it not betray it. Life is life that is why you live it not hold it.

Darkness to Light

I saw this girl sitting in the dark crying in the corner. She wore a white dress. Her skin was dark and her hair were wet and curly. It seemed as she just came out of a shower. Why was she sitting there? Why was she crying? I went closer to see what was wrong. I saw she had no hands to wipe her tears and no feet to walk away from the pain of sitting there. She was left there by someone who was ready to leave as the day was ending. The person was so in a rush that she left her hanging there. The life being her must be miserable as she had to rely on others. She was not mad. She was just concerned how to do things so that she does not bother anyone. She wanted to help herself and others without being annoying and bothering anyone. While she was in the corner, another person came to help who just started the shift.

How hard must be it for a person who is dependent on people around. She requested this person to take her to the top of the apartment building to view the scenic beauty. She just asked her to sit on the wall and talk about her feelings. But what she did was jump from high up and gave up her life. Life or misery that she had no empathy and people treated her as a way to get paid.

Life ended right there with the pay check.

One day at a time

The journey of life brings us to a destination which is both annoying and exciting at the same time. I hate this person from the core of my heart and actually from the same core I love him too. We argue to the point of where I feel I would never like to see him again, but in a few minutes we act like nothing went wrong between us. We are so different from each other but I still try to figure out what keeps us together. The idea of being nice and cordial for the sake of life or there is something more to it. Well whatever, I am going to take it one day at a time.

Hammock Buddy

I don’t know if he is the one or I am addicted to him for the sake of it. 😂😂😂 We have this intriguing relationship where we don’t understand anything but driving each other crazy. Today, I ended up in his backyard. I saw a different side of him. A side where he was being a leader and was telling his brother to help him with the bon fire. All we both did was happily lay under the moon and stars on the hammock as hammock buddies. We were rolling to get the blanket from the other. I wonder how much we love the other because we both were concerned about our own bodies. We are unique kind. Where we fight to love and love to fight. We are crazy and that is why we are united by God  in our mission to craziness.

Acceptance, Honesty and Loyalty

Acceptance, Honesty and Loyalty

Saturday was a revealing day for me. It was not only  revealingly gorgeous outside, but I got to understand something about me which I will be revealing at the end. 😉

Anyways, I started off Saturday with my yoga class and then made a few calls to my close friends to catch up in the parking lot. Came home and started to get ready to head out with this person that I am getting to know and who is becoming very special part of my life. As I was getting ready I had a constant feedback from my mom and dad on my choice of clothes. They wanted me to pin up everything. It is so funny how at this age too I care so much for my parents desire. Even though I don't like their interference but I love their constant attention. At 1 p.m someone that I was waiting for stopped in front of my house, got out of his car, greeted my dad and complimented me. I was a little uncomfortable getting complimented in front of my dad. I liked it but I am just not very good at receiving compliments. It makes me anxious. Still trying to figure out why...or maybe I know. We went to this beach next to a park. Our discussions usually end up to be about Burrough's. We tease each other and sometimes end up arguing. Well, this time I don't know if it was the weather that we were nice to each other. We got to the park, walked on the beach and took pictures of the rocks and the waves. Of course, selfies!! I love photography. I enjoyed taking his pictures. We ate at iHop and discussed work, and psychology. We went to another beach and he showed me his rock-skipping tricks and I motivated him to take picture with this guy who looked like Jesus. We danced at the beach. I played the music " Perfect" on my phone. It was just crazy being crazy and I loved how he accepts my craziness. I don't have to change my actions or words. My words and actions are raw, actually pretty raw. We ended up at his favorite Hookah place. He loves smoking Hookah. We had more discussions there. I started to fall asleep and told him. I needed to go home. I had my crazy loud talks and questionable actions during the car ride. He was so accepting of it. Actually he participated in it. I love when we co-participate. Our day was not planned but it turned out to be one of my life's best day.

I am grateful to God for an accepting, honest and loyal individual in my life. I pray to God that any day, if he will lose any of the mentioned traits just take him away from my life. Everybody has a role to play in other people's life. His role in my life is important and special for now. I love his honesty, loyalty and above all his accepting nature.

One of my best friends told me yesterday, "Don't be scared, enjoy the time that you have with him. Don't be scared to enjoy what you have now for the fear of what you might not have in the future. Also be strong in case he leaves you, you should not get weak but be able to hold your self back again with strength."

From him to the book and back

“You can almost judge the importance of a discovery by the efforts made to suppress it.” William Burroughs

It is so interesting that with new people in your life you learn new things. You get exposed to new areas of possible interests. Challenging ideas give your mind stimulation. The  new philosophies help you expand your horizon and pair up that new person in a positive way.

This new person in my life has been introducing me with this author William Burroughs. He is obsessed with him and I feel he certainly would like me to be obsessed with the author too. But guess what I am getting obsessed with him and his ideas more than the author.

Last night I started off reading from where I left. It was different because two nights before I was reading to him and we were discussing our thoughts which was really stimulating. I enjoyed the disagreements more because it gave my brain some work to do.

It was really stimulating last night to read the book of Burrough’s on my own. I missed the companion who would explain me what was going on, and what actually was meant. However, he asked me to take out quotes from the book when I am reading by myself, so we could discuss later. During the time I was reading on my own I missed him. I missed discussing with him.

Anyways, the quote  last night that intrugued me was ”judge the importance of a discovery by the efforts made to suppress it”. It is interesting because what Burrough’s was saying a few years back was becoming a fact. Because the more we are suppressing and controlling human mind  towards a particular act or thing, it is becoming more important to a point where individuals have started to overthink and act upon it.

Well, I can’t wait to discuss this with him. I am sure he will have something about it to say or may be not. 😂😂😂😉😉😊

Wrong

Wrong 

They say I am wrong, 

Yes, I am wrong! 

For them, I am wrong but right for me. 

This wrong for me, not wrong for them

I want somethings, not wrong for me, 

not wrong for them 

I am the one who is right for me

I don’t want one, who can’t  trust me

I am not the one, then let it go, 

I don’t want this anymore

Life has been telling me for a while  

This wrong is right so live for a while 

I wish I had not a lost a friend 

In times like this when it all began.

Impossibly possible

It is crazy that sometimes nature brings to you someone who you would never imagine to get along with. Every possible way you look at them they seem to break all your laws of possibility. You can never imagine life with them but you get so close to them that you cannot imagine now a life without them. I don’t believe in perfection because it has confused me many times in my life. I believe in now. The now moments with this one is phenomenal. We love and we fight. We love to fight. We love to love. We love to just be weird. I always wanted someone who I could be myself with. I wanted someone who could complete me. I wanted someone who was simple yet intriguing. Someone, I could be crazy with. I loved this Valentine’s day. We started off with disagreement. My past had made this day so aversive. I just wanted to overlook and fast forward this day. But this one, he just simply changed it. Starting from a shopping spree, food at our go to restaurant and a Hookah lounge. Where he smoked and I relaxed with him feeling all so high. I can rely on him. I can tell him what I don’t like and he changes everything around for me. I see stars and the bright sunlight in the dark. He is my sunshine. Prayers that he won’t disappear and I would not lose interest in him. 😂😂😂😉😉😉

It is Official!!

On February 2, 2018 at 11 pm. I was left with no choice. :P :)

Thank God for that Friday!!!

The night started with me trying to figure out what to wear. A dress??!! A dress for bowling but who wears a dress for bowling. Well, I do!! I wore it. I got ready only to wait for him because he was late. I love our long drives on dark roads. I am actually really frightened of darkness but he brightens up everything. Our sense of humor clicks. I have never laughed so much in my life with one person. He has just changed everything for me. I am breaking so many of my own rules hanging out with me which I at one time thought was not possible. Well, I guess that is life. We came to the bowling alley and we started our crazy journey in his style. I was so myself and was not scared at all. I look forward to more of such nights.

Fictional Love Happens

I use to wonder sometimes why God makes you go through tough times. I felt, I knew the answer, however, you can only technically predict, and not know till you experience it yourself. Love for me was such an endearing word. It was so powerful. Every chick flick I watched, I lived it vicariously through the characters, as I was told it is unreal and a fictional fantasy. But God has His ways of making you experience life in a way you would never image. Everything, you would imagine that was unreal starts to happen in your life. You just get awestruck. Love that always seemed confining starts to feel liberating. I could be myself. Act my way. Speak independently and still feel that I care for someone. 

Dancing under the star and letting go of myself was becoming my reality. The love that I was discovering was discovering me in a liberating manner. :)

Our song!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Vv-BfVoq4g

Thank you for sending me this song. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbe3CQamF8k

Connection

I'm still figuring out if resistance led me to a magical night. I was trying hard to hold myself back I was unaware where are my emotions and feelings were coming from. Were they coming from a recent turmoil in my life? I use to feel that it take years to get to know someone. But this connection proved  it all wrong. We recently got to know each other. But the communication seems to go so well. I don't stop myself from saying the most brutal and cruel things. He similarly don't hold back either. But we laugh unceasingly. Sarcasm and rebellion that I am best at, sometimes lead me into trouble.  However he seems to like it. I can be myself. I'm loving the freedom in a relationship that I am developing with this individual, so unique. The long drives, the silly laughter, the racist jokes and of course the passion.

Isn't it so amazing how someone tells you they respect the boundaries you have created. Isn't it so endearing how the boundaries does not hold individual's feelings towards you and they still want to connect anyway.

True connections develope true feelings.

Once Loved

Someone just told someone to move on. They want them to move on from the person they once loved.

I don't understand this move on business. How can you not love someone you once loved. If you ever truly loved someone the feeling always stay despite the fact, they  stay or not in your life. Their consistent unfaithfulness and infidelity makes you distant from them. You never  would go that route again. But love never changes and dies it stays strong.

When a current girlfriend tells an ex girlfriend to move on. You want to tell the girl that her dog was unleashed because if you knew that you were used to be cheated with, you would have never gone that route.

My theory is humans become history love does not.

 Moral of the story, for the ones who give advise to move on, to already moved on individuals, is to; Leash your dog! 😜

Deleted

I am so blessed to have family and friends who support me.

It takes courage to stand up for yourself and a blessing to know God is there with you. People who are right should not be scared of adversaries. The best things are support of crazy friends who find your craziness amusing. I am glad that I am honest, bold and true to myself. 

I cherish honesty and celebrate truthfulness. It revealed to me today that some people at their moment of honesty are not honest. It is scary that someone gets played by someone's manipulation in an act of sincerity and loyalty. When an individual starts deleting evidence. It shows their criminal mind and how scared they are of being caught. Education and grades don't show integrity of a person. Even when they become millionaires they won't have that peace and satisfaction of the criminal and manipulative mind. They write blogs, make videos to convince you and write emails to get to you and later deny every fact.

At the end who actually played a better part of sincerity and loyalty. Just internalize it and move on. 

Unconscious Racism

On Sunday afternoon, I dropped my parents to the church and drove back home with my sister to take her car battery to the auto place for charging. When we approached our house, a car was parked near our driveway blocking our parking space. We stopped. A guy jumped out of his car and walked towards my window. He said that he was our neighbor and was waiting for his wife to pull out of his driveway as the snow was blocking their space. I told him that it was alright and he could park where he was because we were leaving in a few minutes. He asked me where I was from and I without any hesitation told him. We were from Pakistan. He said, "Welcome to America." He assured me that I should be glad that no one will blow up my home in America and I will be safe. What an assurance??!! I was just shocked at his statement. He said that he does not like when people say Americans are racist or intolerant. He said that Americans are tolerant, they welcome people from countries like Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq and Pakistan. Places where government supports terrorism. I was just still in a shock having such an intelligent unconventional conversation with a neighbor. It was making me uncomfortable to the core. I shared with him that every country and every individual has some kind of prejudices and bias. He continued convincing me that if 9-11 had happened in Pakistan, the citizens of Pakistan would have hurt him and his family. He continued to assure me they would not hurt us. He said that President Trump is getting American values and their identity back. According to him, every culture has its identity and they preserve it unlike US. He told me he was a cop in New York City when 9-11 happened. I kind of understood his trauma probably from that incident. My skin color reminded him of what happened a few years ago.

I do feel sorry for his trauma with people of my color. However, I am shocked how he approached me to talk about this stuff. I am more mortified how he think only people from Pakistan, Iran, Iraq and Aghanistan come to America. What about people from other countries? Is America not welcoming them. It is sad that I will always be a minority. I was in Pakistan because of my religion and here in US because of my color.

I wish there was a cure of such divisions. I wish hate and anger was not triggered so easily because of these divisions. I wish I could spread awareness and help people to love and live in peace.

I wish tolerance was based on differences not just on similarities. I wish if loving someone different was not easy, may be distancing from them could be a solution.

I wish color and religion was not use to propagate hate and fear.

May God be given all the glory!! Amen

Him

It struck to me that I am stuck, 

The stars to me will bring some luck 

The charm he brings will woe me in, 

The husky sound and the naughty grin

The grounded nature and subtle swag,

Inspires me so why he wont brag

Then if its what it seems to be

Then bring it on so I will see