From Him to Me

I love you like I've never loved someone before.
You're so fun and exciting I never know what you've got in store.
When I'm holding you in my arms it's an indescribable feeling.
Your innocence and charm has the power of healing.
I never want you to think that you could be replaced.
I've walked down life's lonely roads so I know the hustles and chase.
There is no one like you here, there, or anywhere.
You are a treasure that is beyond rare, and I swear to you my love, I'll always be there.

Because you are YOU!!

I’m sitting here thinking of a life that I’m looking forward to spend with you. I’m just not sure what life is going to bring our way. But as I look into the tunnel I don’t see the real light on the other side of the tunnel. I just keep on thinking whether I will ever see that light. Then I see that light radiating from you. I love you but sometimes I’m so scared that things won’t work out the way I want them to. I have to believe in God because He Almighty is an integral part of our relationship. I have to believe in you because I know God loves me and He gave you to me. I have to believe in God to show me the light in the darkness because you are there. I see rainbow and you happen to be the reason I see the colors in it. You let me fly and soar to the heights beyond the skies. I see myself swimming in the waters. I swim fast and I swim deep because you liberate me with the constant courage. I think God put you in my life for a reason. I’m so glad everything happens for a reason. You change the world for me and I love you a lot. I want that obsessive and crazy love from your side. I want you to always make sure that I don’t cry because you are you and you... and you are there.

It all started to stay.... once upon a time!! 

It is been a year that I am with him. He is the sweetest person I have met. However, may be I am comparing him to my past. 😉 Love is such a difficult emotion. You never know what is love. You don’t know when you are in it and you can’t figure out how you can be out of it. This story of love began without any planning. We were enemies who loved to tease each other and then one day when I felt my world is falling apart he came and started to fix everything. My brokenness was healed with his brokenness because I knew someone was trying to understand on the basis of empathy. I am glad I met him. I prayed for a loyal, honest and sincere guy. I have a feeling I got one. Jesus things have never gone my way. I hope with time. Even though things don’t go my way give me patience and love so I understand love. Love that is faithful. Love that is loyal. Love that is patient.

May glory be given to God and may our anniversary make us stronger to celebrate together in love the next year. May God be given all the glory and may God help us to understand each other’s language of love. Amen

Stalking or Browsing

I was discussing with one of my friends about how two of my colleagues were stalking or browsing a previous employee’s Facebook page. I shared that how one person was sitting and the other person was standing and I passed by after dropping something in the mail. One of the individuals looked at me as she saw a ghost. However, the other person did not react and stayed calm. 

Anyways, my friend’s perspective was interesting. He said that what if they were just talking to each other and the page was just open. It could be because that previous employee must have posted something in general or related to his previous job. He said that may be it was a coincidence that two colleagues were standing talking to each other  and the page was just posted there. I told him about the controversial post of the previous colleague a week and a half back. He said that may be that was it. 

He said that not always everything is stalking sometimes it is browsing too or sometimes it is both browsing and stalking at the same time. 

But my last concern whether social media should be open constantly during work hours. 

Reality Bites Everyone

Being labeled as  conceited, cocky, arrogant, jealous and insecure is weird, as you cannot group them together. It is interesting that perception about one person changes based on environment and their relationship with other individuals. 

Recently, I have observed that people around me perceive me as jealous and insecure, however they also seem to think that I am cocky and conceited simutaneously. In retrospection, based on individuals labeling I analyzed my childhood and teenage years when I was not only encouraged to be better than others but almost punished or criticized when compared to my peers if I was not good or not better than them in studies, talents and skill sets.  Now that the idea has taken such a strong hold in my brain of comparison I feel the need to compete. However, what sometimes frustrates me is my grouping with people who I don’t feel a fair comparison to. I don’t know why God puts me in that predicament where I feel compelled to compare myself with people who are so different from me and not a competition. 

Ultimately admitting, I do have some kind of arrogance which frustrates me when people state  that people they compare to me are in my tier. 

Arrogance comes with hard work and persistence. Compared to mediocre ready to be picked up individuals. It just don’t seem right. 

In conclusion, I read this quote today, “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere” that led me to question myself, should I compare myself to a good girl who goes to heaven or to a bad girl who goes anywhere with random anyone. Is that even a comparison?? 

Russell Peters

On August 18, 2018 I went to a show to see Russell Peters. It was one of the gifts for someone special for his upcoming birthday.

Russell always brings new idea and enlightens me. Have you ever observed that you are sometimes so use to your culture and segments of it, that it would not feel weird to you. Things you have done for years or said for years would seem normal. Even things that your parents say to you would seem  to be a fact. I never thought that I was not allowed to have my opinion till recently. I could never make a decision and feel secure about it because I always thought that I would make a mistake. Making a decision and failing does not make your ability to make a decision invalid. It actually makes you feel that you did it on your way. Listening in a humorous way from Russell made me think how I take things for granted. Even now and then my ability to make decision was taken for granted. The process of understanding seems a journey and I still feel I am in a process not at a destination yet.

Truth be told

Truth is relative. Facts are relative. Nothing seems honest when you are not in the state of mind. Nothing matters when you have been betrayed all your life. Life seems to be like a train which is stopping at every small station/ running local when the hardest moments are being experienced. They don’t understand me. I feel I am fluttering and banging against the walls of my own existence. Trying to understand my truth and the truth they want me to know. Every time I try to trust someone it fails. Failure makes you weak and vulnerable. It makes you scared to be out of the box of your existence and experience the excitement of the reality in an exclusively vulnerable way.

Isn’t life worth living when it is strange and uncertain?

Pool Friendships

Friendships are easy in the pool. 😊 I was swimming when a first grader came and introduced herself and admired my nail polish. After that conversation Rest was history, we became best of friends as she started introducing me to everyone as her friend. She spelled words and told me how spelling “ inside” was easier than “outside”. She told me in my ear that her sister is mean to her but she still likes her sometimes. When I was leaving she asked me to stay. I told her I have other engagements. She came out of the pool and asked me for a hug and said “friends forever”. I just smiled. WOW!! Some friendships are easy, clear, pure and honest! Made my day !! 😊😊😊

Finding Puddles and letting them be!!

Slowly as I tried to live a little more trying to find my existence, I kept finding these puddles and bumps on my way, I tried to be careful and stepped aside so I don’t get hurt or get dirt on me. However, the existence of the puddles itself promises you a muddy and bumpy ride. Did I learn something from it or will I be prone to making same mistakes that I did before? Life teaches you lessons, people who learn from their mistakes are considered smart but who end up making same mistakes are considered fool. Fool?? Really??? Fools make emotional mistakes of forgiveness and forgetfulness. Life teaches them lesson in their own way of existing in existence. Slowly and steadily they make the same mistakes of finding the puddles in their existing existence  and letting them be!

Life is life

When you are sure about life is that really living your life? The fun in life are the mysterious turns that come unexpectedly. Vulnerability makes you uncomfortable but living through the uncomfort and uneasiness is the drill. I was talking to a specialist in the field of psychology and he said that avoiding a problem and not facing it might be a temporary solution but not a cure. Avoidance is laziness and living life without fear and pain is cowardness. Pain is not a bad thing. It strengthens you. It makes you more aware of your weaknesses. Once you live through it, you realize how strong you are and what a long way you have come.

Life is life when you live it not avoid it. Feel it not forsake it. You think of it not betray it. Life is life that is why you live it not hold it.

Darkness to Light

I saw this girl sitting in the dark crying in the corner. She wore a white dress. Her skin was dark and her hair were wet and curly. It seemed as she just came out of a shower. Why was she sitting there? Why was she crying? I went closer to see what was wrong. I saw she had no hands to wipe her tears and no feet to walk away from the pain of sitting there. She was left there by someone who was ready to leave as the day was ending. The person was so in a rush that she left her hanging there. The life being her must be miserable as she had to rely on others. She was not mad. She was just concerned how to do things so that she does not bother anyone. She wanted to help herself and others without being annoying and bothering anyone. While she was in the corner, another person came to help who just started the shift.

How hard must be it for a person who is dependent on people around. She requested this person to take her to the top of the apartment building to view the scenic beauty. She just asked her to sit on the wall and talk about her feelings. But what she did was jump from high up and gave up her life. Life or misery that she had no empathy and people treated her as a way to get paid.

Life ended right there with the pay check.

One day at a time

The journey of life brings us to a destination which is both annoying and exciting at the same time. I hate this person from the core of my heart and actually from the same core I love him too. We argue to the point of where I feel I would never like to see him again, but in a few minutes we act like nothing went wrong between us. We are so different from each other but I still try to figure out what keeps us together. The idea of being nice and cordial for the sake of life or there is something more to it. Well whatever, I am going to take it one day at a time.

Hammock Buddy

I don’t know if he is the one or I am addicted to him for the sake of it. 😂😂😂 We have this intriguing relationship where we don’t understand anything but driving each other crazy. Today, I ended up in his backyard. I saw a different side of him. A side where he was being a leader and was telling his brother to help him with the bon fire. All we both did was happily lay under the moon and stars on the hammock as hammock buddies. We were rolling to get the blanket from the other. I wonder how much we love the other because we both were concerned about our own bodies. We are unique kind. Where we fight to love and love to fight. We are crazy and that is why we are united by God  in our mission to craziness.

Acceptance, Honesty and Loyalty

Acceptance, Honesty and Loyalty

Saturday was a revealing day for me. It was not only  revealingly gorgeous outside, but I got to understand something about me which I will be revealing at the end. 😉

Anyways, I started off Saturday with my yoga class and then made a few calls to my close friends to catch up in the parking lot. Came home and started to get ready to head out with this person that I am getting to know and who is becoming very special part of my life. As I was getting ready I had a constant feedback from my mom and dad on my choice of clothes. They wanted me to pin up everything. It is so funny how at this age too I care so much for my parents desire. Even though I don't like their interference but I love their constant attention. At 1 p.m someone that I was waiting for stopped in front of my house, got out of his car, greeted my dad and complimented me. I was a little uncomfortable getting complimented in front of my dad. I liked it but I am just not very good at receiving compliments. It makes me anxious. Still trying to figure out why...or maybe I know. We went to this beach next to a park. Our discussions usually end up to be about Burrough's. We tease each other and sometimes end up arguing. Well, this time I don't know if it was the weather that we were nice to each other. We got to the park, walked on the beach and took pictures of the rocks and the waves. Of course, selfies!! I love photography. I enjoyed taking his pictures. We ate at iHop and discussed work, and psychology. We went to another beach and he showed me his rock-skipping tricks and I motivated him to take picture with this guy who looked like Jesus. We danced at the beach. I played the music " Perfect" on my phone. It was just crazy being crazy and I loved how he accepts my craziness. I don't have to change my actions or words. My words and actions are raw, actually pretty raw. We ended up at his favorite Hookah place. He loves smoking Hookah. We had more discussions there. I started to fall asleep and told him. I needed to go home. I had my crazy loud talks and questionable actions during the car ride. He was so accepting of it. Actually he participated in it. I love when we co-participate. Our day was not planned but it turned out to be one of my life's best day.

I am grateful to God for an accepting, honest and loyal individual in my life. I pray to God that any day, if he will lose any of the mentioned traits just take him away from my life. Everybody has a role to play in other people's life. His role in my life is important and special for now. I love his honesty, loyalty and above all his accepting nature.

One of my best friends told me yesterday, "Don't be scared, enjoy the time that you have with him. Don't be scared to enjoy what you have now for the fear of what you might not have in the future. Also be strong in case he leaves you, you should not get weak but be able to hold your self back again with strength."

From him to the book and back

“You can almost judge the importance of a discovery by the efforts made to suppress it.” William Burroughs

It is so interesting that with new people in your life you learn new things. You get exposed to new areas of possible interests. Challenging ideas give your mind stimulation. The  new philosophies help you expand your horizon and pair up that new person in a positive way.

This new person in my life has been introducing me with this author William Burroughs. He is obsessed with him and I feel he certainly would like me to be obsessed with the author too. But guess what I am getting obsessed with him and his ideas more than the author.

Last night I started off reading from where I left. It was different because two nights before I was reading to him and we were discussing our thoughts which was really stimulating. I enjoyed the disagreements more because it gave my brain some work to do.

It was really stimulating last night to read the book of Burrough’s on my own. I missed the companion who would explain me what was going on, and what actually was meant. However, he asked me to take out quotes from the book when I am reading by myself, so we could discuss later. During the time I was reading on my own I missed him. I missed discussing with him.

Anyways, the quote  last night that intrugued me was ”judge the importance of a discovery by the efforts made to suppress it”. It is interesting because what Burrough’s was saying a few years back was becoming a fact. Because the more we are suppressing and controlling human mind  towards a particular act or thing, it is becoming more important to a point where individuals have started to overthink and act upon it.

Well, I can’t wait to discuss this with him. I am sure he will have something about it to say or may be not. 😂😂😂😉😉😊

Wrong

Wrong 

They say I am wrong, 

Yes, I am wrong! 

For them, I am wrong but right for me. 

This wrong for me, not wrong for them

I want somethings, not wrong for me, 

not wrong for them 

I am the one who is right for me

I don’t want one, who can’t  trust me

I am not the one, then let it go, 

I don’t want this anymore

Life has been telling me for a while  

This wrong is right so live for a while 

I wish I had not a lost a friend 

In times like this when it all began.

Impossibly possible

It is crazy that sometimes nature brings to you someone who you would never imagine to get along with. Every possible way you look at them they seem to break all your laws of possibility. You can never imagine life with them but you get so close to them that you cannot imagine now a life without them. I don’t believe in perfection because it has confused me many times in my life. I believe in now. The now moments with this one is phenomenal. We love and we fight. We love to fight. We love to love. We love to just be weird. I always wanted someone who I could be myself with. I wanted someone who could complete me. I wanted someone who was simple yet intriguing. Someone, I could be crazy with. I loved this Valentine’s day. We started off with disagreement. My past had made this day so aversive. I just wanted to overlook and fast forward this day. But this one, he just simply changed it. Starting from a shopping spree, food at our go to restaurant and a Hookah lounge. Where he smoked and I relaxed with him feeling all so high. I can rely on him. I can tell him what I don’t like and he changes everything around for me. I see stars and the bright sunlight in the dark. He is my sunshine. Prayers that he won’t disappear and I would not lose interest in him. 😂😂😂😉😉😉

It is Official!!

On February 2, 2018 at 11 pm. I was left with no choice. :P :)

Thank God for that Friday!!!

The night started with me trying to figure out what to wear. A dress??!! A dress for bowling but who wears a dress for bowling. Well, I do!! I wore it. I got ready only to wait for him because he was late. I love our long drives on dark roads. I am actually really frightened of darkness but he brightens up everything. Our sense of humor clicks. I have never laughed so much in my life with one person. He has just changed everything for me. I am breaking so many of my own rules hanging out with me which I at one time thought was not possible. Well, I guess that is life. We came to the bowling alley and we started our crazy journey in his style. I was so myself and was not scared at all. I look forward to more of such nights.