Wilderness


Walking in the wilderness makes me wonder, will I see the green grass that they promised.
I hear the good news parallell to the crying voices.
I need discernment for the love in the wilderness.
The love that was promised.
I find truth in the darkness.
I find shades of acceptance and tolerance.
I want to embrace them.
The moment I get close to them.
The truth slips from my hands.
Like me grabbing a smoke screen.
The smoke screen keeps my vision blurred.
I live in this mythical world.
I am not here to compete.
I am trying to find my existence.
I am trying to know who I am.
I want to see the image of me.
I want to see the truth in me.
I want to know who I am.

Lord, I cry at the hour of my despair that why have you forsaken me.
My faithless soul still yearns for faith.
My hopeless existence still prays for hope.
Hope in the only God who tells my faithless self that He Almighty is holding me strong!

 My Real Real Brothers

I was driving my friend and her children to the Laguardia airport to fly back to Texas. My friend's son/ my nephew during the whole ride to the airport was screaming at the top of his lungs, he wanted to go back to his "real real brothers". He wanted to stay  with them. He wanted to live with them. At that moment, the whole incident seemed hilarious to me. I kept teasing him. Today, I had a flashback of the same incident and I was just amazed what an eight year old boy taught me. The beauty of innocence and connection he made on genuine grounds. 

My friend and her family lived in New York for seven years. She and her family practices  christianity. When my nephew was born my friend took time off from work for a few weeks, however she needed to find someone to take care of her newborn son when she goes back to work. Fortunately, her Muslim neighbors offered to help them raising  her son. Thereafter, my nephew was nurtured in a Muslim family for four straight years and developed connections with them. He called the parents Ami (mom) and Abu (dad), their daughter, Baji (sister) and their sons, his "real real brothers". He even used to go and offer Namaz with them in the mosque. He got so attached with them that his mom used to have a hard time separating him from them at times. That bond and relationship stayed.  After seven years, when my friend decided to move to Texas with her family. Her son had a hard time separating from that family. They visited this year in January and he spent most of his time in their house. He had a meltdown when he had to leave them. He screamed and threw a tantrum that he wanted to stay with his "real real brothers".  That whole show in the car ride was hysterical to me. However now that I think about it. It is an epic example of beauty of his innocence which is not yet polluted by his surroundings. This year too he went to the mosque to offer Namaz with his real brothers even though he does not know how to offer Namaz. His mom on the other side takes him to church regularly. It boggles my mind that he still does not know the difference he has with his "real real brothers". 

Now sitting and looking back, I envy my nephew for his innocence. I wish I could view the world without differences. I wish I could live in a pure non-contaminated distilled world like he does.

#differentnotless 

Temple Grandin's quote, "I am different, not less" has probably been used by many practitioners who work with children diagnosed with autism. I recently understood the value of this quotation when I got into a conversation with my brother from another mother. 

He asked me, "Appi (older sister) you always say that rather than focusing on similarities we should focus on differences. However, today you are saying that we should not just focus on one community but one human race." "One human race is not differences. One race is a result of similarities." I was baffled and questioned myself. It was an interesting insight as it led me to further analysis. I wanted to explain him what I meant. However, my words at that moment were not enough to make sense. I was frustrated trying to help him understand.

 Sometimes, it is hard to articulate something when your brain cannot even comprehend and cut it down for you. 

Suddenly, scrolling through Facebook. I came across Temple Grandin's quote, "I am different, not less."these words just hit me hard. I had a grand display of lightning and thunderstorm inside my brain. I asked myself why we have restricted these words just to autism. These words are applicable to all of us. Aren't we all different, aren't we all unique. Who decides that we are less than the other.

Our religion, social status, bank balances, pay checks, education and diplomas make us feel worthy and awesome. A great way to compare to the rest of the world.

Anyways, moral of my story is that I am different but not less than you. Similarly, you are different but not in anyway less than me.

Sent from my iPhone

Religious Guilt

"God will not be very happy if you do not share." This is the line I used to get a piece of chocolate from my 10 year old cousin. I have realized how much this line works. Line like this and similar to these have been used on me for years. 

For example, "God is not happy with you." "God will not be happy with you."  "You did not do this the way you were suppose to, God probably is upset with you." Guilty me! 

"I told you to pray more."  What is more? No one has ever defined or explained more to me. My mom has been trained to blame herself, when she does not get answers from God the way she was expecting. She always feels guilty that she did not pray enough. I sometimes get so anxious when she ask me to pray for something with urgency. It makes me feel something bad is happening or is about to happen. 

Initially, I was ditto and still am at times. However, I am trying to separate my love for God from the religious guilt. I want to love God not just because of the things He provides me or the needs that He fulfills. But because He is God. I don't want to have a conditional relationship with an unconditional God. When I look back and think of the pain I have endured in life, why I always forget the undeserved grace and unmerited gifts I received from Him.

Religious guilt has been used on us to create fear. Fear is the way to manipulate and control. When you overcome your fears, you started living. Let us create love of God not fear of the Loving, Merciful and the most Magnificent God Almighty.

Identity 

It is hard to fully understand, where you stand in the world and to know the world’s perspective in comparison to yours. Sometimes, it gets difficult to explain your position to individuals around when you do not understand what you are trying to believe in. In the process, of teaching and re-teaching your own self it is hard to explain your loyalties to others. Sometimes, to believe in things are scary and to stand up for the emerging philosophies and ideologies are hard, as they are still sprouting. Loyalties and reliabilities are questioned.  

I have confused myself and my identity. Somehow my culture and surrounding have confused me. I was born in a Christian home in a Muslim country. Now, that I am here in US, a Christian, living in a diverse environment.  I am confused with an identity crisis. The people outside who call themselves Christians or Muslims are so unique to me.  I don’t know anyone. I am trying to be neutral. I am trying to be objective. I am trying to be a republican. I am trying to be a democrat. I am trying to be myself. 

http://www.dawnnews.tv/news/1050518

The following article in Urdu is written by my classmate Mohammad Imran Bukhari from Government College University, Lahore Pakistan.
Imran is curtently a professor at Quaid e Azam University, Islamabad Pakistan. He wrote this article about Salman Haider our senior from Government College University. Salman Haider was a professor and a human rights activist. I don't know Salman personally but wish him a safe return home. May God Almighty who is most merciful and beneficent protect him and be with him. Amen! #RecoverSalmanHaider #SalmanHaidermissing

کچھ باتیں سلمان حیدر کی:

یہ 2002 کے اوائل کی بات ہے جب میں مشہور مذہبی رہنما ڈاکٹر اسرار احمد کے ہاتھ بیعت ہوا اور اسلامی انقلاب کی جدوجہد کو اپنی سب سے اولین ذمہ داری سمجھنے اور ماننے لگا۔ ستمبر 2002 میں میرا گورنمنٹ کالج یونیورسٹی لاہور میں ایم ایس سی سائیکالوجی میں داخلہ ہو گیا۔ میرا تعلق جنوبی پنجاب کے شہر ملتان سے تھا۔ ایک پسماندہ علاقے سے آنے والے کسی بھی طالبِ علم کی طرح میں بھی شروع شروع میں اپنے اندر کئی طرح کے خوف اور کمپلیکس لیے ہوا تھا۔ 

میری سلمان سے پہلی ملاقات (جو بعد میں ایک گہرے تعلق میں بدل گئی) گورنمنٹ کالج یونیوسٹی میں ہی ہوئی۔ سلمان سائیکالوجی ڈیپارٹمنٹ میں میرا سینئر تھا۔ بلا کا ذہین تھا اور ڈیپاٹمنٹ کے قابل اور ہونہار طالبعلموں میں شمار ہوتا تھا۔ نصابی سرگرمیوں میں امتیازی مقام رکھنے کے ساتھ ساتھ وہ یونیورسٹی کے ڈرامیٹکس کلب اور ڈیبیٹنگ کلب کا بھی سرگرم رکن تھا۔ اپنی اِن ہم نصابی و غیر نصابی سرگرمیوں کی وجہ سے وہ پوری یونیوسٹی میں کافی مقبول و مشہور تھا۔ وہ کئی قومی سطح کے تقریری مقابلوں میں گورنمنٹ کالج یونیورسٹی کے لیے بہت سے اعزازات بھی جیت کر لایا۔ اپنی سماجی و نجی زندگی میں بہت ملنسار، کھُلا ڈھُلا، بےباک اور انسان دوست تھا۔

ایک پسماندہ علاقے سے آئے ہؤےطالبعلم کی حیثیت سے جو اجتناب اور خوف مجھے لاحق تھے، انہیں دور کرنے اور اُس نئے ماحول کے ساتھ سوشلائز کرنے میں سب سے کلیدی کردار سلمان نے ادا کیا۔ سلمان ایک لبرل سوچ کا حامی تھا لیکن میرے مذہبی رجحان کو کبھی بھی اُس نے اپنے اور میرے درمیان تعصب یا رکاوٹ نہیں بننے دیا۔ وہ بِلا خوف و خطر اُسی وارفتگی سے مجھ سے میل جول رکھتا تھا جیسے اپنے دوسرے دوستوں کے ساتھ رکھتا تھا۔ میرے مذہبی رجحان کو دیکھ کر وہ اکثر مزاح میں کہا کرتا تھا کہ عمران کی تو روح پر بھی ڈاڑھی ہے۔

گورنمنٹ کالج یونیوسٹی سے ایم ایس سی  کرنے کے بعد سلمان نے ہائر ایجوکیشن کمیشن کا سکالرشپ کوالیفائی کیا اور پی ایچ ڈی کرنے قائدِاعظم یونیورسٹی اسلام آباد چلا گیا۔ جب میں نے اپنی ایم ایس سی مکمل کی تو یہ سلمان ہی تھا جس کی تحریک پر میں نے بھی ہائرایجوکیشن کمیشن کا سکالرشپ کوالیفائی کیا اور سلمان کے نقشِ قدم پے چلتے ہؤے قائدِاعظم یونیورسٹی اسلام آباد پی ایچ ڈی کرنے پہنچ گیا۔ سلمان نے وہاں ہوسٹل میں اپنے ہی ساتھ مجھے اپنے کمرے میں ایڈجسٹ کروایا۔

جیسا کہ میں آغاز میں ہی بتا چکا کہ میں 2002 میں ڈاکٹر اسرار احمد کے ہاتھ پر بیعت ہو گیا تھا اور آج بھی خود کو اُنہی کی فکر پر عمل پیرا پاتا ہوں، اتنے عرصے میں میرے مذہبی افکار اور رجحانات میں وسعت تو ضرور پیدا ہوئی ہے لیکن کمی نہیں ہوئی۔ 

آج کل سوشل میڈیا پر کچھ لوگ جب اپنے مظموم مقاصد کی خاطر سلمان کی کردار کشی کر رہے ہیں تو میں نے یہ ضروری جانا کہ سلمان کا اصل رُخ لوگوں کے سامنے لایا جائے۔ سلمان میں مذہب بیزاری یا مذہب دشمنی مجھے تو اپنی 14 سال کی رفاقت میں کبھی نظر نہیں آئی۔ ہاں وہ بیزار تھا جہالت سے، وہ بےزار تھا فکر اور سوچ کی گھُٹن سے، وہ بےزار تھا سیاسی، سماجی اور معاشی جبر سے (چاہے یہ جہالت، گھُٹن اور جبر روا رکھنے والی قوت کوئی بھی ہو)۔

وہ عقل اور دلیل کا بندا ہے، اسے جبر اور جہالت کے پیمانوں پر نا پرکھا جائے۔ ایسی خداداد صلاحیتوں کے حامل افراد معاشروں کا اثاثہ ہوا کرتے ہیں۔ میں نے اپنی اِس 14 سالہ رفاقت میں سلمان کو بنیادی انسانی قدروں میں بہت سے مذہبی ٹھیکہ داروں سے ہزار ہا درجے بلند پایا ہے۔۔۔