http://www.dawnnews.tv/news/1050518

The following article in Urdu is written by my classmate Mohammad Imran Bukhari from Government College University, Lahore Pakistan.
Imran is curtently a professor at Quaid e Azam University, Islamabad Pakistan. He wrote this article about Salman Haider our senior from Government College University. Salman Haider was a professor and a human rights activist. I don't know Salman personally but wish him a safe return home. May God Almighty who is most merciful and beneficent protect him and be with him. Amen! #RecoverSalmanHaider #SalmanHaidermissing

کچھ باتیں سلمان حیدر کی:

یہ 2002 کے اوائل کی بات ہے جب میں مشہور مذہبی رہنما ڈاکٹر اسرار احمد کے ہاتھ بیعت ہوا اور اسلامی انقلاب کی جدوجہد کو اپنی سب سے اولین ذمہ داری سمجھنے اور ماننے لگا۔ ستمبر 2002 میں میرا گورنمنٹ کالج یونیورسٹی لاہور میں ایم ایس سی سائیکالوجی میں داخلہ ہو گیا۔ میرا تعلق جنوبی پنجاب کے شہر ملتان سے تھا۔ ایک پسماندہ علاقے سے آنے والے کسی بھی طالبِ علم کی طرح میں بھی شروع شروع میں اپنے اندر کئی طرح کے خوف اور کمپلیکس لیے ہوا تھا۔ 

میری سلمان سے پہلی ملاقات (جو بعد میں ایک گہرے تعلق میں بدل گئی) گورنمنٹ کالج یونیوسٹی میں ہی ہوئی۔ سلمان سائیکالوجی ڈیپارٹمنٹ میں میرا سینئر تھا۔ بلا کا ذہین تھا اور ڈیپاٹمنٹ کے قابل اور ہونہار طالبعلموں میں شمار ہوتا تھا۔ نصابی سرگرمیوں میں امتیازی مقام رکھنے کے ساتھ ساتھ وہ یونیورسٹی کے ڈرامیٹکس کلب اور ڈیبیٹنگ کلب کا بھی سرگرم رکن تھا۔ اپنی اِن ہم نصابی و غیر نصابی سرگرمیوں کی وجہ سے وہ پوری یونیوسٹی میں کافی مقبول و مشہور تھا۔ وہ کئی قومی سطح کے تقریری مقابلوں میں گورنمنٹ کالج یونیورسٹی کے لیے بہت سے اعزازات بھی جیت کر لایا۔ اپنی سماجی و نجی زندگی میں بہت ملنسار، کھُلا ڈھُلا، بےباک اور انسان دوست تھا۔

ایک پسماندہ علاقے سے آئے ہؤےطالبعلم کی حیثیت سے جو اجتناب اور خوف مجھے لاحق تھے، انہیں دور کرنے اور اُس نئے ماحول کے ساتھ سوشلائز کرنے میں سب سے کلیدی کردار سلمان نے ادا کیا۔ سلمان ایک لبرل سوچ کا حامی تھا لیکن میرے مذہبی رجحان کو کبھی بھی اُس نے اپنے اور میرے درمیان تعصب یا رکاوٹ نہیں بننے دیا۔ وہ بِلا خوف و خطر اُسی وارفتگی سے مجھ سے میل جول رکھتا تھا جیسے اپنے دوسرے دوستوں کے ساتھ رکھتا تھا۔ میرے مذہبی رجحان کو دیکھ کر وہ اکثر مزاح میں کہا کرتا تھا کہ عمران کی تو روح پر بھی ڈاڑھی ہے۔

گورنمنٹ کالج یونیوسٹی سے ایم ایس سی  کرنے کے بعد سلمان نے ہائر ایجوکیشن کمیشن کا سکالرشپ کوالیفائی کیا اور پی ایچ ڈی کرنے قائدِاعظم یونیورسٹی اسلام آباد چلا گیا۔ جب میں نے اپنی ایم ایس سی مکمل کی تو یہ سلمان ہی تھا جس کی تحریک پر میں نے بھی ہائرایجوکیشن کمیشن کا سکالرشپ کوالیفائی کیا اور سلمان کے نقشِ قدم پے چلتے ہؤے قائدِاعظم یونیورسٹی اسلام آباد پی ایچ ڈی کرنے پہنچ گیا۔ سلمان نے وہاں ہوسٹل میں اپنے ہی ساتھ مجھے اپنے کمرے میں ایڈجسٹ کروایا۔

جیسا کہ میں آغاز میں ہی بتا چکا کہ میں 2002 میں ڈاکٹر اسرار احمد کے ہاتھ پر بیعت ہو گیا تھا اور آج بھی خود کو اُنہی کی فکر پر عمل پیرا پاتا ہوں، اتنے عرصے میں میرے مذہبی افکار اور رجحانات میں وسعت تو ضرور پیدا ہوئی ہے لیکن کمی نہیں ہوئی۔ 

آج کل سوشل میڈیا پر کچھ لوگ جب اپنے مظموم مقاصد کی خاطر سلمان کی کردار کشی کر رہے ہیں تو میں نے یہ ضروری جانا کہ سلمان کا اصل رُخ لوگوں کے سامنے لایا جائے۔ سلمان میں مذہب بیزاری یا مذہب دشمنی مجھے تو اپنی 14 سال کی رفاقت میں کبھی نظر نہیں آئی۔ ہاں وہ بیزار تھا جہالت سے، وہ بےزار تھا فکر اور سوچ کی گھُٹن سے، وہ بےزار تھا سیاسی، سماجی اور معاشی جبر سے (چاہے یہ جہالت، گھُٹن اور جبر روا رکھنے والی قوت کوئی بھی ہو)۔

وہ عقل اور دلیل کا بندا ہے، اسے جبر اور جہالت کے پیمانوں پر نا پرکھا جائے۔ ایسی خداداد صلاحیتوں کے حامل افراد معاشروں کا اثاثہ ہوا کرتے ہیں۔ میں نے اپنی اِس 14 سالہ رفاقت میں سلمان کو بنیادی انسانی قدروں میں بہت سے مذہبی ٹھیکہ داروں سے ہزار ہا درجے بلند پایا ہے۔۔۔

Do we say No or stop? 
Can we accept No and Stop as an answer? 

I don't want to play with him.

I don't want to play that game. 

This is not what I want to do. 

I feel forced to do it. 

Have you ever thought why we feel forced to do something or why we feel that someone controls us? The answer is we have not been taught to say "stop" or "no" or likewise taught to accept "stop" and "no" as an answer.

This reality of life struck me hard after I watched the movie "Pink". It phenomenally portrayed the roles that have been reinforced in our daily lives. The movie was not just about women empowerment but it also involved an idea of expressing to say NO. 

NO is not a word as it is mentioned in the movie, it is a full expression of a feeling and an emotion. Even though the movie talks about the categorization and the equivalences we associate with human categorization. For example, the idea that a girl who drinks, smiles and hangs out with various guys is usually a girl with questionable character. Is it true for all girls? Even if a girl has questionable character for one second does she have freedom to refuse to any advances towards her. Well, as a matter of fact an individual boy or girl should practice their freedom of expression in what they believe in and if that expression be is to say NO or STOP then that be it. In similar way, the individual at the receiving end should also be willing to accept NO as an answer.

I felt this should have been taught to us at an early age. Recently at work,  one of the preschoolers came to his teacher saying I don't want to play with a student who was forcing him to play. The teacher explained him that being polite is great. However, standing up for yourself and expressing how you feel is a good practice too. Therefore, she modeled the behavior for the student and the student was able to say NO. This "NO" as an answer did not go well with the child at the other receiving end. He was not ready to accept that answer. The teacher had to teach him to accept no as an answer as well. I was intrigued at the idea of how no was being taught. 

The movie following with this incident helped me to understand the power of the words STOP and NO. It also helped to know how sometimes people must be feeling out of courtesy to not express themselves. Some cultures reinforce behavior of ignoring our feelings and emotions for the sake of courtesy.

Stop and No are important words. Let us train ourselves, to tolerable habits of accepting and saying no and stop. 

Ready to Educate? Qandeel a Real Feminist? What Wave of Feminism? 

Any Solution to Killing for Honor? Is Mental Health still a Taboo? 

#qandeelbaloch #mentalhealth #humanrights #honorkilling #feminism

How will we feel if Facebook ban the like button ? Will we be able to survive if there is no display picture on social media? Is empowerment based on reassurance that we get from the number of likes ? Are social approvals important for us? Are we confident even if we are the only ones who believe in a cause? What if the whole world leaves us and we are alone, will we still be strong and moving in the direction we want to?

Qandeel Baloch's story has raised these questions for me. I am wondering if people are still focusing on issues such as killing for honor (honor killing) and the need to be aware of psychological concerns or did we get derail? Are we stuck on discussions whether Qandeel was a feminist or not? What has been identified so far as a problem? Did we plan a solution? Are we getting ready to educate the masses ? Are still debating to conclude who is right? What have we done to educate the masses about intolerance? What has been done on giving positive attention to women who are seeking attention by stripping? Are they stripping because that is their choice or because that is an easy option to gain attention to actually getting to the platform to express? I have observed provocative ways gets you attention more quicker both negatively and positively.

Anyways, I want to understand whether Qandeel's provocative behavior was similar to a child seeking attention who does not get his way due to the lack of communication. Therefore, throwing a tantrum before his/ her parents assist the child to get his demands met.

Consequences selects out our behaviors. When people get more attention for any behavior (culturally appropriate or not appropriate) . It increases the frequency of the target behavior. Let us think, if we believe in a cause that no one supports, will we still stick to it in the long run. Do we try to use short cuts or behaviors that we personally don't agree with to reach to our goals? Are we choosing those options as a way to seek and increase attention.

Following are some ways individuals use to get attention

children tantrum
Screaming for help
Commoditize yourself
Self victimization
Bribe and corruption to get what you want ( attention on your concern😜)
Many more... 

Qandeel Baloch

Honor Killing? Histrinoic Personality Disorder? Media? 

Who to blame? 

We are trained to walk on egg shells. As long as something is not affecting us we choose usually to refrain ourselves from speaking about it.

Qandeel Baloch was recently strangled by her own brother apparently for honor. I am not sure how it took years for a brother to speak up now about his sister's acts, which made him uncomfortable. Well, I don't want to touch the political and legal side of the case as I am not much aware of it. 

However, I am interested to understand the making of Qandeel Baloch and her brother Waseem. Immediately, after the news of her murder, I started reading and researching about her. In my search to understand the situation I tried to read stories from different perspectives. I happened to watch her audition on "Pakistan Idol". All the judges were speaking with her with utmost disrespect. Would they have treated their President, or any other country's president or any other other person who was respectful in their eyes. No? Yes? Any thought? I just do not understand how people have the nerve to humiliate a fellow human being. After that video, everything became history as the girl tried and struggled to get attention, her own way. For a person, who is trying to get publicity both negative and positive attention is reinforcing. 

How come, our media does not take responsibility of creating her and ultimately participating in killing her. No one ever spoke up or tried to get security when she cried for help. Was it not important? 

Observing her behavior on TV and her videos. I also assessed her probably as an individual having symptoms of Histrionic Personality Disorder. Some of the symptoms could be identified in Qandeel's personality such as 

1. A person gets uncomfortable in situation where he/she does not get attention. 
2. Sexual, seductive and provocative behavior
3. Shallow behavior where emotions are shifting 
4. Behavior where there is no depth and detail 
5. Physical appearance dramatize to gain attention
6. Self-dramatization 
7. Consider more intimacy with people than in actual life (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)

Nobody in our culture tries to assess based on psychological needs. They always judge people based on their perception of the situations, circumstances and their own idealogy of self-righteous and piousness. Piousness is subjective. What piousness means to me might not mean to another individual. Moreover, psychological issues also does not mean that an individual cannot function properly in a society. Individuals might have different psychological needs. Why no therapy is provided? It is sad how her family never felt that she might have had a psychological problem. Their lack of awareness, educational background and low socio-economic  status just led them to let continuous judgement of the society impact their family decisions. So much so that it ultimately led in a brutal step of killing her. 

One of the interviews, that I read stated how scared she was when her recent music video was coming out. However, she stated that once it was out, she was scared no more and was ready to face the world again. Well, I feel sad how this young woman had to lose her life,which could have been beneficially utilized if guided properly. She had no strong family background. 

She was a product of her struggles and circumstances. I am not sure who to blame. Her brother, who I believe himself was a product of the society. His courageous acceptance of his crime speaks a lot about his pride and awareness that the society accepts his acts. 

Well, she might not be able to "bounce back" like she said she will. However, her death definitely raised questions and awareness of the sensitivity of this concern in the world. 

Humans are different, they were raised differently, they will act differently to circumstances. However, even though they are different they should be treated equally with respect and honor.

#QandeelBaloch #HonorKilling #humanrights #media #responsibility #humanity #respect #understandingbehaviors 

Sparkle in His Dying Eyes

I wondered how some eyes could sparkle knowing that they would not live to see. What would a degree from a prestigious university mean to a person dying in a few months? What could any materialistic possession would mean to someone who would not stay to enjoy it or what would LOVE mean to someone who could not stay to be there for his dear ones?

I got addicted to such a guy a few weeks before his death. I visited him more than I needed to just to understand him more. I would visit him with an intention and curiosity to comprehend the strength behind those sparkling eyes. I was intrigued why no tears yet. I wanted to see him break down and cry. I could not imagine where that strength came when all the walls around him were collapsing. I wanted to hear the weakness behind those sarcastic and playful words towards humanity. He played well with sarcasm that I wondered if it was pain he was trying to relate. I wanted to travel behind those eyes to collect all tears that were scared to come out. 

Love really makes you vulnerable. Recently, I covered a journey of 11 years back to my past in a few seconds. My eyes immediately watered, overwhelmed, imagining those sacred emotions I felt back in those days. I could literally see a mother in her dupatta covered sitting next to the side of the hospital bed waiting for her 23 year old son die. Her eyes were red and swollen. Her son a graduate from a prestigious management university of Lahore was waiting for his death call. He was diagnosed with liver cancer. I walked in that room as a no significant help but a psychology intern who was assigned to that floor. I entered unknowingly that I would end up falling for someone who is waiting to die. How was he cheerful at his death bed? This question still bothers me, These images that were dawning on me after 11 years were strong like a second living experience. I could see vividly and hear every word so clearly. 

The boy kept teasing his mom playfully with sarcastic words that were so ironic. He asked his mother whether her crying was an early celebration for his departure, He wanted to know whether she was sad that no one will tease her anymore. He teased her to video tape him. He kept insisting his mom why she was not ready to make the present great. I did not understand what was important for the guy to keep his mom entertained or be scared and anxious for what was coming. Was he actually doing both? He kept giving his mother courage for future and hope for a better tomorrow. This used to frustrate me. Everyday, I prayed for that guy. He did not know how important his life became to me. I had developed much love and respect for him in a few days. I was scared for him. 

Seriously, I wanted to feel scared for him. The feelings I did not see in him but desired to see in him, was I selfish? I wanted to burst out crying for him. I wanted to be anxious and fearful for him. I wanted to express my fear screaming at his mother as him to tell her how hard it was to face death and how scared I was. 

But his smiles just confused me. I never got time to speak with him by myself. However, his mom hugged and cried with me. He laughed. I did not know how to respond. I use to walk out of their room straight to the duck pond at the hospital. I use to hysterically burst into tears sharing all my feelings with the ducks in the surrounding. 

Well, it did not last very long. One day I entered the room to hear the nurse say it with no feelings that the patient expired last night. EXPIRED! Patient? I regretted not saying bye to him or his mother. I just walked straight out the door holding my tears for the ducks. I knew the ducks would understand the pain. They heard my story well! 

Understanding the Dating Websites

How authentic people are on dating websites? Do we show our true selves? Is it an easy and secure way of meeting people? How honest are we about ourselves? I don't know answer to any of these questions. 😜

I have tried explaining to my family. You would not find a match for me. Not because I have some self esteem issues but generally I cannot act angelic. I am who I am! People who accept me for who I am have stayed with me. The ones who have tried to change me are nowhere to be found!! (Chuckles) 

Well, look even Salman Khan (Indian Actor) is single and Priyanka Chopra (Actor) has not found her right guy. The issue is not with them. They both are gorgeous and well established. They meet a lot of people. However, not everyone you meet is your soulmate. People who see you in your worst and still want to embrace you at the end are the ones who love you. People we meet are not like watching a movie you like some parts of it and you can fast forward the rest. 

You have to be upfront and bluntly honest. You will scare them for sure but only that will demonstrate if they have the guts and desire to be with you in the long run. 

What the cover shows is not always what you ultimately get! The hardest and honest people I have met are the nicest and genuine individuals. 

Recently, I tried making a profile on a dating website for a few hours. I did not write much because I did not have any nice things to say (Chuckles!! You know yourself the best) As soon as I stepped in. I got a nervous break down. Everybody had the nicest profile. They had done so much and achieved so much and were so nice. I felt how come I signed up for an angelic website. I totally felt I was trained by the devil himself!

Humans are not commodity on an aisle of a supermarket. You can be lucky and find the right product or not. 😜

Let us meet individuals with a blank slate. How we act in public is not usually how we act behind our close doors. Our overt thinking does not always match our covert thinking and reasoning. 

We dress to impress!! We have created a  soundbite culture. 

#datingwebsites #soundbite